Canis Protosimians
Canis Protosimians began as an April 1st-style hoax with a scientific-sounding explanation for werewolfism in Europeans. It went something like this:
“Werewolves are members of the canidae genus who have been cross-infected by a naturally occurring CRISPR-type viral action. Contrary to the now-debunked theory (RL Stephenson et al, 1886), it is a single pleiotropic sequence in the canid, not the homo, which controls the Lysenkotic adaptation, triggered by anything other than a certain set of gravitational stimuli during the full moon. The infection rate is low, and the root canid population breeds true, and can be cross-fertile with either species. The epigenetic switch, however, is recessive and has little chance of manifesting in a normal cross. Only 12.3423% of Europeans carry any Canis Protosimians genetic material at all, and where present, this is usually confined to unexpressed “junk” DNA, with an average of under 12.3422% which indicates that even latent werewolves are only the great grandson-of-a-bitch. Cross-contamination has been known to occur, but no specimen has been found that breeds true in captivity post-infection. It takes a viral infusion from an active carrier to cause expression, where potential exists. During this time, the infected canid reverts to its normal form, a largely quadruped hunter, with the body mass of a human. Contrary to old wives tales, these infected animals are no more nor less immune to anything than a dog infected with rabies.What they are is super angry at having to spend three days eating Purina biscuits. Also, amygdalic reconfiguration reduces both communication ability and the censor function, making a rabid dog seem like an octogenarian Jainist hermit in comparison. The best defence is therefore to strike while they are lulled into a false sense of security. Denounce them to the authorities immediately so that they may be purified or cured. Remember, they are not human but infected animals who will alternately sleep with and devour your children.
Symptoms can include:
Licking one's own private parts.
Chasing one's own rear end in circles.
Smelling odd
Being orange.
Talking too loudly in public
Saying bad words.
Outbreaks have been confined to a limited number of cases, with the last one occurring over seventy years ago, affecting no more than 2% of the global population. Our recommendation to any private citizens is to flee, hide, and definitely not listen to them. If forced, whack them on the nose with a rolled-up Sunday newspaper. The effectiveness of this strategy is sadly reduced, as most Sunday newspapers are now delivered on smartphones, rather than being centrally blessed and approved by publishers, much to everyone’s dismay. Given this risk, it is recommended that all concerns be reported. See it, say it! Remember, it is better that heroic citizens suffer a bit than that these hidden threats continue to multiply under the very noses of the state. We will sniff them out. “
Clearly, this report was not to be taken seriously, but it does add to the werewolf myth!